IF I CHANGED MYSELF...

Sometimes I want to live my remaining years as a totally different person from myself until now. at that moment I am quite disgusted with myself, especially my mental structure. Actually I am not a masochist. I usually love myself and try to live in my own way. I think every person imagines himself, who is completely changed, once at least. This time I want to think about it and analyze myself.

I have so many defects in my character. Above all, I am too emotional. Eapecially I have too much tears to keep back in my eyes. I spill my tears anywhere or anytime for no particular reason. Once I think about sad things, I feel rolling my tears down already. That's irresistable.
I am a very indecisive person, too. Even if I have to start over doing something, I always think over and over until I am driven into the corner that I should make a decision. I am eager to be a active person.
I am called a good-natured person by people who know me, but I want to hear I am a cold and indifferent person. Really....
I am too prudent and cautious to progressive. I am busy in looking back upon my past. I am afraid of being exposed to a new place or new environment. It takes a long time until I become accustomed to the new things.
I don't have positive attitudes. I would rather looking on the dark side of life than the bright side of it. I would rather enjoying thinking about the frailty of life than the pleasures of it. I often compare the life to the thorny path. Life always comes to me with heavy weight. Life is usually compared to  a journey or a voyage. Yes. Life is so hard and tough for me just like a long journey in the desert or a voyage over the endless sea. Somebody says, "Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find there is nothing."

Mostly people are likely to be blind to their own defects, but I know my defects well. I am often eager to change myself and enjoy imagining totally different myself. If I changed myself, how wonderful it would be! But it's impossible because my all defects are just I. Maybe it's good to shoot for the moon sometimes.  (2002)