PUPPY LOVE - My Case



People say that three kinds of love are there in human's world.
One is platonic love, another is erotic love and the other is agape. Most of people experience one of them through their lives. Especially erotic love, which is the love between man and woman, controls many people's emotion even their whole lives.

Once Cupid's arrow hits someone's heart, he begins to suffer from a fever which is named "LOVE." One day Cupid, the Roman God of Love, aimed and shot arrows at the middle of my heart. It hit the target right and made me fall in love. Looking back on it now, I am not sure whether it can be named LOVE or not, but it made me suffer at least at that moment. Okay, I'll call it "MY PUPPY LOVE" anyway. When I think about it, I smile at myself bitterly because of my stupid behavior and thoughtless adherence to him. But sometimes it gives me some energy in my busy and monotonous everyday life. Frankly, it was my one-sided love.

At that time, I was supposed to quit study after finishing high school due to terribly tough economic situation of my family. I got a job as a banker on the recommendation of the principal of my high school. That situation made me frustrated and lose my all hopes of life. When I met some college student by accident on the street, my frustration had reached fever pitch. Every time it happened, my desire to enter the college was getting bigger and bigger. Keeping money counting and arrogant bank custommers made me much more tired.

Hardly a day went by without my thinking of him. I used feel like wandering in a maze. Listening to music in the cafe was the only thing that I enjoyed. The music that I liked covered a wide variety of genres, from Korean popular music to Western music and from classical music to Latin music. A lot of cafes hired disc jockeys and let them serve to customers every kind of music then. We could request music that we want to listen to disc jockey. I used to sit on the corner of cafe and stay until the cafe finished business hour. I was ehghteen.

He was nineteen. he was my coworker. He was very tall and skinny. His black horn-rimmed glasses, which I liked, made him look intelligent. In fact, he was smart, very cheerful, out-going, aggressive, helpful. caring, thoughtful and kind. he deserved the highest praise for his personality. He had positive attitude. He looked a kind of perfect person for me.  I was really interested in his character that totally different from mine.

He seemed to get along with his coworkers and supervisors when I was struggling with the relationship with them. He was willing to help someone that asked his help at any time. All of his colleagues trusted his abilities and sincerity because he was a good helper and problem solver. Due to family difficulties he graduated from commercial high school which offered vocational education to students.  On the contrary, I was not good at handling my tasks with numbers or money in the bank because I  used to study to enter the university. Actually I was down in the depth of despair at that time because I couldn't give up entering university. Sometimes his successful working life aroused jealousy.

He seemed to like reading books, listening to music, watching movies, climbing mountains, societies and meetings. But sometimes his many-sided learning made him somewhat a frivolous person. Besides, he looked a snob  due to his shallow understanding of all fields on some occasions. Anyway, I began to love him no matter what, and recreated him into a perfect person of my free own will. He became my idol and hope and oasis in spite of his many weakenesses. He used to treat me as his younger sister, so I made an efforts to show him my special feelings. On the one hand I wanted to get his concerns and love, but on the other, I was afraid that my one-sided love would come true. That was ironic. Surely that's why I call it "PUPPY LOVE." He was called Kim.

On a freezing winter day, he and I were taking a walk an the Downtown Street. Both of us pull in our heads because of a cutting cold wind. Our cheeks and mouths were so almost frozen that we couldn't  speak. Suddenly he brought up the subject of his feelings about me. He told me earnestly and strongly that he didn't have any special feeling as lovers about me. He said,
   "Please don't like me. Your feelings about me, which you beleive that's love, is not a real love. You are just confused into thinking that you love me. I m not the right person who is in your imagination. I like you but I don't love you. I understand you because I have same experience as yours." At thatmoment, I heard the piano music from the record shop. I still remember vividly what title that music was. That was "The Ballard for Adeline." by popular pianist Richard Clayderman. After letting him go, I walked from Downtown to my house as shedding endless tears for about 3 hours. I was ashamed of my wrong love.

Several days later, I got a long letter from him. He apologized his impoliteness to me. He also consoled me in my sadness. It was not long before I knew he was rejected his love from my another coworker who was very closed to me and used to hang out. Stupidly I often asked her advice about my first love. It was too cruel for me to explain how difficult and sad those days were.

I quit  my job of three years in the bank at last and became a university student after months of hard study. One day, I visited his work place with putting a badge of my university on my left chest. He congratulated on my entering university.

When I erased him from my mind completely and greeted another love, five years had already passed.

He is still working in the bank. Of course he got married another woman. My friend, who is still working in the same bank with him, told me that he often asked her about my recent life. (2002)